On love or relationship

Her name was Olumide, she had one of the best skin tone that I have seen in my life. I was only in primary 2 or 3 class. To attain her skin tone, I'll have to go into the bathroom to bath 3 times. That was my first crush. I wrote on a book that Olumide is my Girlfriend, my classmates saw it, even though I had erased it and reported to my teacher. I received a reset flogging.

To express my feelings to the next girl I met as I journeyed through life, I wrote a letter - love letter. I was in junior secondary school this time. I was too shy to give it to her, so I sent it through a friend. This was the first time I was getting the L, her NO response came in the form of a note.

All these time I thought I knew the meaning of love. I was practically responding to different emotions that flowed through me at that tender age. If it made me stay awake at night to think about a girl, then I felt it had to be love. The one that makes people laugh and smile sheepishly at little things that do not seem to make sense. Developing the guts to stand before a lady and tell her how I felt didn't come easy. The first time it happened, I felt like I had the burden on the whole world on my head. Man, that ache was serious.

I had told her classmate how I felt so he could help me tell her. He did and she wanted to talk. I can still remember where we stood, the smile she wore, her hands on her waist as she asked me one question to another. You really don't want to know what happened after that.

I don't undermine what I felt for any of these ladies. I think the ability to have these emotions is what makes us humans, but that's not the basis on which to tell someone that you want to be with them and them with you. In this part of the world, we often ask, when is the right time to be in a relationship. For me, no one can tell you the right time other than yourself. In addition to that, I doubt we can attain 100% preparedness. However, I have a yardstick which I came up with.

The moment you think you don't have to be with anyone to complete yourself, that is possibly the moment when you can get into a relationship.

It's not a one-side-fit-all kind of principle. Let me buttress what I mean, most of us are in pursuit of someone to complete is, but you can't find completeness in another individual. Yes, we are not meant to be alone (which is not talking about the need to have a lover but more about being isolated without any support system), but placing the burden on completeness on someone is not love. Neither is the surge of attraction you feel.

The grind to search for love is one reason why love eludes most of us.

What they didn't tell us is that there'll come a time when the emotion will fade, that my friend, is where the love starts. The commitment to be with that person for the rest of your life. But before that, you got a whole lot of time to prepare yourself, to know more about yourself, to know what you want, to prepare for the emotional toll that comes with having someone else in your life.

Loving someone else has helped me a great deal in becoming a better person. It has made me come in contact with my insecurities and flaws in a great deal than I could imagine. I know myself better than I used to, thanks to all those who allowed me to love them, and loved me too. My insecurities stood before me, I messed up a couple of times, but to evolve I had to resolve not to project my insecurities on anyone.

I had to read, and question my beliefs faced every form of emotional dependency I had. Tried to find out who I am, and who I'll love to be with, my love languages and how I want to be loved, things I can't stand in a relationship and the much more. I still have more soul searching to do.

I don't think a perfect partner exists - we go into relationships with our baggage. Despite the baggages you carry, you owe it to yourself, and your partner to be better. No, your lover cannot be the source of your happiness. The truth is, no one can give you happiness, you have to make an intentional effort to be happy.

I've learned that you can't force anyone to love you in return - that you love someone does not mean they are meant to reciprocate. Understanding this will free you from the sense of entitlement that comes with asking someone out, especially as a guy or man. The love you have for that person should be enough to let him or her go.

You know, most times we end up causing harm in the name of showing love. We show love to someone in a way that makes them flee from us, and we wonder why they never accepted us.

I wish I could tell more, but this topic is one of those in which I know so little. Yet, I'll tell my younger self the following;

  • Love yourself. You can't love someone rightly, or get someone to love you if you do not love yourself. It does not work that way.
  • Love deeply, intentionally, truly or whichever way you want to love. Don't hold back because you fear getting hurt, one way or the other, you will. It's the way the world works.
  • The emotions will clear from your eyes, don't flee when it does. If she's the one, stay put.
  • The summation of love is displayed in the person of God, it doesn't get better than Him. So, build your bedrock of love on that which He shows you.